I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
