did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
