You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
