two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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