I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
