you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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