i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
