Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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