Will you blow on my dice?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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