the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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