the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just found puke in my bra..
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
