I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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