ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
MIDGETS
????
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize