Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
