You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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