They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
