it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize