Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
