Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
