if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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