dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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