Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
im six kinds of drunk right now
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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