The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
