dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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