Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
That accounts for only three of the penises
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
