Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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