how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
