theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
