So drunk its hurt
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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