I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
