The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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