I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
