So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
