ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
