At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
