I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
