I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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