fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
