If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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