This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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