I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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