i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
