wakey wakey hands off snakey
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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