Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I want her autograph on my taint
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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