this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
