Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
