Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
