i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
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