He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
