Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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