Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
