The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
