I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm bleeding and have questions
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