we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize