Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
