You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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