You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just found a bag of teeth...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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