be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
