Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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