he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
