I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
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