so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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