So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
