I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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