I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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