I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
